Following a twitter talk, I’ve decided to do an English blog post about how my personality/ attitude has change due to MS.
I was first diagnosed with MS in 2006. I was 26 year old and was having all these weird things happening to me since I was 1999. I’ve been diagnosed with CVS/ME and a host of psychological illnesses before the MS.
I’ve had an Epstein Barr-episode (‘Kissing Disease’) in about 1996 and I’ve never really fully recovered from that.
I have always been a perfectionist. And I’ve noticed this personality trade in a lot of people with MS. We tend to do everything to perfection, working tireless, forgetting about personal boundaries and needs. I still have this, but since I’ve gotten sick I just cant do that anymore to the level I want it to go. I’ve been working out and dancing on a fairly high level until my accident in 1999. That is something I still miss to this day.
I was planning on opening my own store in 1999 and pursued this until 2001, when I really couldn’t do things like ‘normal’ people could. I had to give up that dream.
Fast forward to 2006. I have been depressed for some years because professionals kept saying it was all in my head. They were right, but not the way they thought they were.
I was tired. Tired of everything. I didn’t want much of anything. I have always been an A student with an above average IQ. After I was diagnosed I was admitted to a rehabilitation center because I couldn’t use the right side of my body anymore. They offered me physical therapy, occupational therapy and neuro psychological therapy. They did some baseline testing before starting off with the real therapy. By then I did have some cognitive losses. I couldn’t process information as fast as before and had short term memory loss. I never felt sorry or bad for myself. At least not for longer periods of time. Sure, I had my ‘What am I going to do with my life now I can’t do the things I wanted to do before’ moments, but no ‘why my’ or anything like that. I’ve always been a glass half full kinda person and I guess this is a reason I pull through every time MS is testing me.
Rehab and everything that came after that had taught me some things.
All there really is, is NOW. No yesterday, no tomorrow, just now. Yes I do balance my energy. But if something really great comes along today that might throw that balance off, I’ll do it. Because I just don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow.
I still have plans for the future. I’ve had to adapt to how my condition is progressing, but I’ll still do some of things I wanted to do for years now. Come hell or high water!
I am more determined. More forgiving. But also very clear of my boundaries. I value my authenticity but know very well when to ask for or accept help. That’s called delegating and there is nothing wrong with that!
What myself and the people closest to me experience is that I can have extreme emotional swings. From very happy to very sad, for no apparent reason. I’ve heard that’s a MS thing. I’ve learned to deal with it, but it isn’t always easy. I am always analyzing what I’m feeling and why and now sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for this and that sometimes scares me.
Well, this is it for now.
I hope you people have a little more understanding about how MS changed my personality/attitude.